My family and I just got home from Finding Dory. I don’t know if you know this, but Dory is perpetually forgetful, scattered, distracted, and happy-go-lucky. As I drove the car home, I became forlorn to realize that...I am Dory. It was a much more personal and serious realization that I was hoping for from a fun fish movie. Well played, Pixar. Well. Played.

Speaking of serious and personal things, the OMINOUS LIFE CLOCK on my brain reads that there are only 4 days until the 30th. 4 days until I become something that I can never back away from. 4 days until I accept that I’ll have to be at least PARTLY a shameless self-promoter if I want to be a fully fledged, honest to goodness author. The final week leading up to the book release is full of panicked, irrational self-assurances that I’ve forgotten something absolutely crucial and easily exposed to be poked at by the well-prepared spears of public criticism. I swear, one of these times I crack open a copy the book, I’m certain that there will be nothing but 394 blank, stark-white pages staring back at me, blaming me for their lack of substance. “Why didn’t you finish us,” they’ll accuse. “Why wasn’t there more?”

So that’s half my day, freaking out about the stuff that could ruin me before I’ve begun. The other half of the day my brain is circling the opposite pole, because no matter how many times I DO crack open that book to make sure of this or that, when I read through the end for the nth time I always get the chills I felt when I first wrote it. Those same nerve fibers still practically sing when I take in those last words.

Now, that’s me. Others may read it and discard it as readily and conveniently as anything can be discarded these days. But, I’m an appreciator of this story as much as I am the one who wrote it out. I almost bemoan the fact that I’m the author, because I get excited about it when I talk to others, and I don’t want that to come across to anybody as a guy beating his own chest. I’m legitimately intrigued by the story, and I find new things in it every day to appreciate—increased depth in the characters, as well as a haunting appreciation of the ruined world they inhabit. I feel sorry for them, just as much as I celebrate the adversity they face. I wish I could have given them more after the pages ran dry but, sadly, my time with them is largely done. They’ll have to be okay on their own.

RELEASE DAY LOOMS. I am at the mercy of it, and it me, and so for now we’ll remain tidally locked until the dice go the way they will. Have at you, June 30th!

Back to work.

OH MY GOD I’M PUBLISHING MY FIRST BOOK IN TWO WEEKS HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CR--

(clears throat)

Hi there. It seems you’ve walked in on me freaking out a little, there, and so I want to assure you that everything is just FINE with me, mentally speaking. No nervous breakdowns or anything like that. Heh heh. Yup...just hunky dory, over here. Oh, all that flop sweat? I normally sweat this much. Yeah. Just an overactive exocrine system. It’s certainly not because I’m about to embark on a brand new journey that will lay bare my vulnerable gooey areas to the potential abuse of the entire world. That would be silly.

*clasps hands behind back and whistles*

Yup. So...alright then.

Oh, speaking of that, I release a book in TWO WEEKS. Last August, after I dropped my daughter off at school for her first full day, came home, and sat down at my desk with that big blank whiteness of my word processor staring at me, I don’t think I ever could have envisioned this moment. I had a plan to complete THE NOVEL, but I think that only most of me was convinced that I could actually do it. Thankfully, I think I’m decent at closing up the roof to block off the glaring, mostly ethereal impossibilities that I conjure for myself. I can mostly just stick my fingers in my ears and “la la la” the specter of failure right out of my head. Denial, right? It’s not just a river in my brain.

So yeah...being here is pretty surreal. I certainly have developed a healthy respect for the editorial process, considering how many mistakes that I and others have found over the past month. But little by little, those have been ironed out, and unless I’ve missed something massive I think the book’s looking pretty good. I have to send out BIG, BIG thanks so my advance copy readers, who have ensured that the quality of the typographical packaging of this thing is so much greater than I could have ever assured, by myself. They are a truly awesome group of people, and I’ll never forget the help and support they’ve given me!

What’s more, by and large they like the book! I’ve had a lot of positive comments, which has given me a ton of confidence going into the launch. Now, granted, a “good book” doesn’t necessarily ensure a torrent of book sales...but, it doesn’t hurt either, now does it? Whatever happens, I think I can walk away from this first effort a pretty happy guy. Smiley-winky face. #crushingfailureismydayjob

Coming up on it. Gathering myself for the wave. Boy, don’t time just fly by?

Back to work.